Someday I will be the swan The swan that you'll be proud of You are too good to kiss a duck A duck with paralyzed love
The former chapter of your book looks amazing Somebody should tear them off dramatizing Could I be the last chapter Or would there be a next sequel after?
White swan flying Black swan crying Grey swan dying They all are whores Coming through different doors
Duhai wajah tengah malam
Yang tersembunyi dibalik penat kesendirian
Perlahan kau memancar saat ku genggam
Namun tak jua tersinari bulan
Naluriah, seluruhku mengabdi kian taat
Kepadamu tak mungkin berbuah penat
Tiadakah aku tertanam di hati,
yang bila rindu akan kau gali?
Cinta ini kuderita sekian lama
Tiada niat kuhapus dengan air mata
Meski kemasyuran akan singgah
Hanya kepada fikir yang tak patah
Aku tersedak kata-kata cinta yang kuucap
Lalu meninggal di tempat yang sama dimana aku jatuh cinta
Aku, dengan mata hati yang fana Menyaksikan kematianku tanpa kata
Kini bersemayam diriku yang sejati
Di gubuk sederhana tersusun dari pecahan hati
Terpendam di dalamnya rahasia nan sarat hidupmu Terungkap hanya oleh si penepis waktu
My life is out there, somewhere out of this blog or some kind of page like this. I am sick of living my life in any place I don't belong. Coz my life is for real.
I've been thinking that a life is like a book. The longer lifetime you get, the thicker book you had then. And how about the content? I believe that we gotta do a lot of things to make it full written.
There are so many expectation I place upon my own thinking about these books of lives, like I don't wanna have an empty book, and i want my name is mentioned repeatedly in many chapters on the books of my loved ones, just like their names are, in mine.
It hurts somehow. When we find out our names are mentioned only in one page of the book of someone we love deeply, while we write his name almost in every paragraph of all the chapters in our book. But that's how life works. I mean, that's how the book works. We are the only writer for it. And we are also the only reader for it.
Now I'm gonna continue writing my life in the next page of my book. And I start with your name at the beginning of the first paragraph. A******
Oh God, I was so worried about him. I felt guilty guilty guilty guilty!!!! Stupid stupid stupid stupid!! In fact, i knew nothing about him. I just could bother him with my extra stupid unstopable vomit words! I loathed it.
He had his life. How could i forget that important matter? Oh God.... It's worse than feeling like being nothing for him. I had perfectly screwed it up.
Damn! Did he hate me? No, he's a good man. But i was too childish, annoying, unimportant, pale, fat, and plain to be always forgiven.
No, no, no, no, no. How to fix it? Think, vey! Oh my God, was he fine?
Seems like all the clues are getting clear. Love make time pass, and time make love pass. Now i know to which direction i have to take a step. Yet here, i decide to stand still like i'm used to.
Though this time i'm sure that "i am in love", and though it's for the second time ever. But this is for the first time in my life where i'm being raised up, and i feel good. ___ i am ready for not being scared___ for something i have never faced before___ and for the sake of learning to be wise and nice.
I know i should have moved away after all the clues coming up. But now i am still loving you, and what i know is "if you love somebody, just let go of him. If he comes back to you, he's yours forever. But if not, he might never meant to be." So there might be two reasons if i moved away someday, it's my giving up, or realizing that you might not be destined to be that one. Or it can be also caused by the third, the real and strongest possibilty that i used to ignore. It's God's other plans.
Now, would you allow me to stand here for a moment and watch you go? Promise that i won't make your steps heavy like in chains. Cause i just want to love you in respect and devotion.
Last night I sent words again to God. I said, "God, can i just change these pills into another time with him?". They don't help me much. But the time You gave me today had strengthened me magicly.
"Or if You want, God, I can take all the pills and promise I won't ever throw it again, but I beg You to give me one more time to see him sitting across from me and watch me close, feeling what I named 'A' miracle again." It would never be mind if I had to felt somewhat painful inside if later he told me more about a girl of his life. In fact, I did wanna continue crying that time, but I tried to hold it, cause I remembered when he told me to stop crying. I believed she should deserve him anyway. And so that 'A' miracle was never really mine.
___God, teach me how to move....Should I step up, or step away? I'm so afraid of being wrong, and ruin what we have been till now. He was the one whom I was thinking of when I prayed and begged You to end up my five years-waiting in sickness____
I always told him my signs, then I caught something sounded like "clues" when he told me he's my friend and I was just like the others for him. Then may be that is what i have to be. Thx God I used to stand alone, so if it's true, it may not be that hurt.
You came closer, they came closer, like there was something wrong in all you had just taken. Then you tried to make things right by stepping away, yet they still loved gaining on me without you knew. I had given up as you did, because I thought that was all you told me to do for good. But they were still here, gaining on me. So what's sense of telling you this? You might not understand what i suffered You might not see... Believe me, i was on my way of telling you. Yet still i often gave you some clues, for i never wanted to be a big mouth damsel. I really really hope you would get that, thought you'd never know that i still believed that u were the star i saw in my darkest nightsky, always had been, always would be... So what's sense of telling you this? Cause you had walked away.
It is never a pleasure to give up for something and end up for nothing. But I think I am just fine, for I know I am used to it. I am sitting next to my bed and waiting for a call, and then I cry to sleep, a thing I loved to do in the night. It won’t hurt me anyway or break my bonds. It is absolutely a secret way of figuring out a pain, though I don’t know whether somebody has ever hurt me or not. Why on earth people get hurt if no one hurts them? And how then could I feel this kind of pain? Yesterday I felt it was like a sickness, and today I think it is madness.
I had no strength to control my mood; didn’t know what to do to make my heart’s stuff right. So then I took a walk up the hill to find some cheeriness. I saw a child holding a black pot and pouring some water down on his Laburnums. I got confused. How could he got his Laburnums grow in contrast? They grew beautifully with different yellow intensities. But then they couldn’t grow up together, for the pot space was made only for single Laburnum. The child was full of anguish. He knew he couldn’t keep all his Laburnums alive. He had to do something. He chose the brightest one to survive in his pot and pulled out the other ones. What an ironic I thought. One by one, the Laburnums fell down to the ground. I couldn’t understand why that child had no need to replant them all even on the ground he stepped on. Were they too bad to live a longer life? That walk showed me what life was like. Life was a competition which sometimes seemed cruel and uneven. We could fight for our own goodness or we might live defenselessly like a myrmidon, or we might have destined for it.
Sometimes we feel a certain time could be a best second to fix a broken part by waking up from an endless dream that seems to be our real. But we have to be aware that clock's gonna tick faster. One thing we should do, "never let it moves you the way it does", for u'll never be able to get back to take everything you need when you are trapped in the next scheming. Coz time is them. And time is an uncontrolable game.
Aku tahu, gak gampang jadi kamu. Harus menghadapi banyak masalah di masa lalu kamu yang aku gak pernah nyadar sama sekali. Belum lagi menghadapi orang seperti AKU yang dari dulu belum juga berubah. Childish, suka negative thinking, keras kepala, selalu nyusahin kamu.., aku juga gak tahu kenapa aku bisa menjadi pribadi seburuk itu. Tapi aku yakin aku pernah lebih baik dari ini.
Aku pikir selama ini aku sudah jadi orang baik, yang tulus dan sabar menyimpan hal ini terus menerus sendirian. Aku menjadi pengecut yang selalu mencari tahu kabar kamu melalui apapun dan siapapun, karena hal itulah yang bisa membuat aku tenang. Aku merasa hebat dan pantas untuk kamu karena telah mengorbankan perasaan dan kebahagiaan aku sendiri selama lima tahun, bahkan harga diri aku di mata kamu, tapi ternyata aku cuma orang egois yang pernah nyakitin hati kamu. Aku menutup mata dan telinga dari apapun yang bisa membawa aku untuk lepas dari bayang-bayang kamu. Bahkan kamu tahu betapa bodohnya aku menutup hati untuk siapapun tanpa ada keyakinan kalau suatu saat kamu, sahabat aku, bakal kembali suatu saat nanti dan gak akan ninggalin aku lagi. Semuanya terasa lebih mudah saat lima tahun terakhir, karena aku percaya kalau Tuhan akan menyampaikan hal ini ke kamu. Tapi mungkin itu gak pernah terjadi.
Aku ingin kamu tahu, semua hal-hal bodoh yang aku ucapkan dan lakukan ke kamu dari dulu, yang pernah membuat kamu benci sama aku, itu semata-mata agar aku selalu berhubungan sama kamu, agar aku selalu punya urusan yang belum terselesaikan dengan kamu, karena aku pikir cuma itu yang bisa buat kamu tetap ada di samping aku.
Aku juga perempuan. Sama seperti perempuan-perempuan yang pernah ada dalam kehidupan kamu.Aku juga punya perasaan. Dan rasanya sakit setiap kamu kasih tahu aku kalau saat ini kamu berada di tempat lain untuk perempuan itu, memperlakukannya dengan baik, seakan cuma dia satu-satunya perempuan yang harus dijaga hatinya dan pantas untuk menjaga hati kamu. Apa memperlakukan aku seperti ini membuat kamu senang? Jika iya, itu gak jadi masalah buat aku, tapi kalau itu cuma untuk membuat aku pergi dari kamu, aku mohon jangan.
Apa kamu sama sekali gak bisa berdiri sebentar aja di posisi aku? Setelah sekian lama aku kacau sendirian dan baru saja aku mulai tahu apa yang sebenarnya salah di antara kita, kamu yang aku cinta minta aku menjanjikan hal yang intinya aku harus meninggalkan dan melupakan kamu begitu saja. Dan aku melakukannya karena aku gak sanggup kalau harus melihat kamu yang pergi meninggalkan aku lagi.
Kamu janji untuk bantu aku. Maka bantu aku melepas kamu dengan cara yang gak menyakitkan. Aku cuma ingin bahagia, walaupun cuma satu hari bersama kamu.
Long long time ago, there was a princess who had been cursed by a witch to die at sixteen. but actually, she didn't die for real, she just SLEPT forever till someone came to break the curse. Yeah, she was sleeping beauty.
Alright, let's skip the sleepyheaded princess and just jump into the end of the story. She finally woke up after she'd been kissed by a charming. Hmm.. "hero is hero", "charming rescuing princess", "true love kiss!" and "living happily ever after", extremely cliche!
Talking about the prince, I bet no one knew him ever of what he had in his previous life. He had somebody, a damsel. He left her and said nothing, nor even telling her that he would come back soon ever, so the damsel was left for an endless waiting. She, the damsel, also promised to herself that she would not sleep until the charming came back for she didn't wanna miss his coming, and she did. She was always AWAKE.
This is ridiculous. The charming saved the life of the sleeping one by letting somebody else awake. But don't worry, everyone knew sleeping beauty, and everyone loved the romance. And for the poor damsel, just try to close your eyes...
Diligo. Hmmm... how can I believe? It is indiscribable. A crucial thing of life that I couldn't even say it out loud, yet I need it anyway.
My need of diligo comes simply. I need it to be taken and saved somewhere. No worry, when I am given one by my Lord, I won't harm my own for sure. But how does it work? It doesn' t even come with direction for use.
Well, I do feel it's presence, think of it, laugh, smile, cry, all of mine keeping me good enough. Wierd thing on a wierd way, yeah, I use to call it "perfection of imperfection".
Diligo, I'm sorry for you. I've no idea of why Lord puts you somewhere in my chest. I can't ever get you a better place where you use to crave. I just can keep you here with me, trapped in a very long pursuit and my innocence.
Kuingat akan ucapan seorang pemerdaya bahwa aku hanya dapat berbohong jika aku memejamkan mataku. Namun ia tak pernah tahu apa yang sesungguhnya ingin kukatakan saat itu. "Seseorang akan selalu mempercayai tiap kata yang kau ucap meski ia tahu benar jika itu hanyalah kebohongan."
Kini ia menghapus dua huruf tentangku dari pelafalannya, kemudian menjauhi setiap arah yang dapat menemukan aku dan dirnya bersatu.
Namun Kujanjikan kebahagian yang akan kubungkus dalam kertas kado dan kuberi pita hitam nan anggun, lantas kuberikan saat kau berdiri ditempatmu seharusnya, SEANDAINYA aku mampu terlupa seperti caramu melupakan.
This song’s not just a song. A song in my ears shall be expired in two weeks. Yes, two weeks’ the longest period I used to enjoy a song. But this song is kinda different. It’s been pounding in my head for about two months, and I know why.
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed
You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know
'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes
You're like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test
He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself
'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into..
You're the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!
'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes
Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay
Yay yay yay.. Katy Perry… u brought this stuff perfectly! How can I ever set it obsolete in my mind? It’s so me, really.
And how’s the MV? No need to ask me, one more I like you, Perry. Cause when I’m with him I am THINKING OF YOU (no…no…no… not you, Perry, him!).
Yeah, say again I’m not an up to date one, but for this, think I don’t wanna be up to date.
People around me were in minor key, where they had a lump in each throat of them about the same disaster that’s caused by a person. It drove me mad honestly. Not only because I was one of them, but also all the bad things at bad time. Alright, seemed I got double allotment, guys…
I really wanted to boohoo (Arrroooo, like a wolf), but I didn’t. Nor did I try to tell anybody ‘bout this feeling, for I guessed “there’s nothing to explain if no one heard”. I was exactly standing by myself on a stage corner shined by the footlight. It reminded me ‘bout a scene on Shinchan cartoon serial. He, Shinchan, was so desperate that time, yet I laughed over and thought how came that serial’s been so theatrical. Then, I was sorry for Shinchan. I just felt what you felt.
Guess I might not ask you if you had seen Cinderella story. Just know it, that girl (I mean Cinderella) was so much lucky than me. I was just like her, but I lost my shoes’ pair before I proved something to the Charming, or if I was a guy, I must be a guy who was making his princess a big boat that had to be finished before the dawn but all the woods he got were burnt down in front of his eyes, and nothing’s left. It’s painful.
I was down, down, and down. Feeling like a star-crossed damsel (then I praised “Astaghfirullah...”). Yet I believed a thing, guys, I would have a good reason for this stuff.
Aku (seorang manusia) tak memahami sedikitpun. Jika aku dapat, mungkin aku mampu menyesal sebelum satu hal buruk mengenaiku. Karena itu ku hanya melihat, mendengar, merasa, memimpikan, membenarkan apa yang mampu kupikirkan dan yang mereka terka pada suatu kebetulan.
Dalam keteguhan hati aku menafsirkan sesuatu yang mereka bicarakan. Cinta. Semacam rasa kasih atau mungkin kebodohan yang tak bisa kuingat mungkinkah aku pernah menjalaninya.
Hanya dalam ingatanku, mulanya kurasa ia kuat, mampu menopang suatu tempat untuk kumenaruh sedih yang kusebut hati lain. Mulanya kulihat ia sempurna, menampakkan padaku galaksi terjauh yang tak terhitung jaraknya. Dan mulamya kupikir ia abadi, namun ia sendiri yang membawanya pergi.
Aku telah menyaksikan kematiannya dengan mata hatiku sendiri. Tidakkah mereka indah dengan senyuman saat memulainya dan hancur saat menemui kefanaannya?
Aku tak ingin seperti mereka yang tak temukan jalan karenanya. Aku hanya berniat memulainya dari sebuah hati yang meyakiniku meski aku tak pernah cukup baik baginya, yang tak membuatku takut akan sesuatu yang mampu membawanya pergi selain Tuhan.
Men, have you ever known that every single word you say could be magical for us?
Has a dream given you a chance to feel some teardrops when you say a thing that was not belong to us, or spring within their heart when you say love, or drips of moonlight on their blackest earth?
We see you through a belief and lie that you’re really made to make us human.
We are not your enemy who you need to deceive and have an axe to grind.
We are friends, earth mates, mothers, and lovers
We are the hand for you to hold, a night for you to pray, a moment to remember, a beauty for you to feel.
Do not make us your victim... you will never know how we are afraid to know you’re no longer in our side.
We want to win your heart but we’re afraid of its mortal.
This is the voices of every heart that feel afraid to have something to do with you, Men.
